Tag Archives: infertility warrior

All’s Quiet On The SB 1376 Front: Male Infertility Perspective–From “I” to “We”

So all is quiet on the SB 1376 front, so I’m slowly returning to the normal daily postings.

I have been listening to the audiobook version of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Steven Covey.

In it he talked about the evolution of maturity, from dependency, to independence, to interdependence.

I have always considered myself independent.  I am not afraid to tackle problems head on, not afraid to stray outside the box to get something done, or take a risk to move things in a new direction in my life.

In many parts of my life, that has served me well.

However, it was disastrous when Lisa and I were entering our second year of infertility.

When I found out I had a low count after a year of fruitless natural baby making efforts, I  wanted to fix it.  Even my count was only a million, I couldn’t imagine that it wasn’t enough to hit the mark.

I know now the statistical odds against that, but if you notice, the sentence above is filled with a lot of “I”s.

I could get Lisa pregnant if I just willed it to happen. Prayed hard enough.

I was willing to make some small concessions like wearing boxers instead of briefs, and easing back to 2 or 3 cups of coffee verse the 5 or 6 I usually have.

But I wasn’t willing to go to IVF.  Or IUI. Or anything that required much more than a timed sex plan.

Even when I acquiesced and met with a licensed egg hunter, I felt like I needed to be in control of how far the efforts went.

For awhile, Lisa and I existed in very different worlds.

She researched the procedures, and statistics and I showed up to provide the sample, sure all along that nature would get the job done, and I would prove Lisa wrong.

I felt pressure about earning extra money to pay for the procedures.  I felt ashamed that I couldn’t give Lisa the baby she wanted without all of this medical intervention.

I was independent.   Lisa was independent.  And we were drifting apart.

It took a moment of sheer frustration for us to come back together.  Lisa unraveling after the latest research showed that perhaps her body was attacking our embryos.

She said OUR embryos.

All I had been thinking about was ME.

After that day, our “I”s went back to “We”.

We were trying to have a baby.

We were asking for help from doctors trained to help us with our infertility.

We began to be connected to the child God had in store for us, and began to not only envision ourselves having a child, but living like we already did.

Lisa was much better at it than me, but our independence evolved into INTERDEPENDENCE.

Our world expanded as our journey brought other infertility warriors into our lives, allowed us to develop relationships with the nurses and doctors who were using their training, education and expertise to help us find our soul baby.

I became more mature.  I learned that being interdependent could make me stronger not just for Lisa, but for other people going through what we were going through.

We still have those relationships today.

This afternoon I will play racquetball with one of the support group dad’s who enjoys the frustration and pride of having two beautiful boys that were born eight years ago.  Our relationship all these years later is the result of our interdependence on each other in our Resolve support group.

Our “I” stage, when Lisa and I were independently trying to face all of our infertility challenges was a very lonely time.

Our “we” world provides support in many different ways now,  ten years after our soul baby was born.

And it all started when “I” began to look at infertility as something “we” could conquer together.