I posted a discussion on Resolve’s Team Inspire Infertility support blog last week to get some feedback on a topic that isn’t all that frequently heard about in the IF world: what the heck the Dear Husbands are doing right!
Special thanks to all the special ladies who time away from their infertility pursuits to contribute.
And congrats to the men of the infertility brotherhood who are providing that rock of support during the journey—you guys rock!
Here are the posts—Happy Valentine’s Day!
Short and sweet:
I always appreciate most when my husband knows my cycle and asks specific questions about how I’m doing. Just reminding me that we’re in this together.
Plus he injects my meds for me! (I hate needles!)
Long time love affair:
My DH is the best husband ever. We have been married for 22 years and I can honestly say, if he told me today that he wanted to leave me I would be sad. But, at the same time I would have no regrets because he has ALWAYS made me feel wanted, loved and adored.
When his co-workers talk negatively about their wives he always interject all my positive qualities. He supports me, he encourages me to follow my heart and together we will figure out the rest. During this trying time of not being able to conceive has brought us even closer. He always asks me about my day. Did I take it easy?
He makes me breakfast, lunch and dinner. He has taken on extra house responsibilities. When his work schedule permits he goes with me to my Dr. appt (7:00am). He remembers my birthday and our anniversary and the best of all he is nesting and I didn’t give him a honey do list. He wants everything in order when our bundle of joy arrives (we are still in the process doing IVF).
So I can’t say what positive things has he done for me, lately because they have been going on for 30 years. From the first day we met in HS and beyond. He is my soulmate.
Just the other night we were discussing our life, our life without children and any regrets we may have. I told him I have no regrets. Today he told me he has only one. He regrets not giving me a big wedding. Our wedding consisted of both our parents, pastor and two friends. I have so many positive things to say about my DH. But, the most positive is the love he shows and showers me with.
And a P.S. from long time love affair above:
PS. I was so intent on thinking of the past 30 years I lost track. For the past five years he has supported our infertility journey by:
1. Attending appointments
2. Giving injections
3. Feeding me
4. Worked over time to help with the cost
5. Reading parenting and baby magazines
6. Preparing healthy meals ( he is the juicer king)
7. We drive out of state for the embryo transfers, he reserved a hotel room for two additional days so I can be on total bed rest (72 hrs).
8. Supports and provides anything we need to make this journey stress free, productive and successful.
In the end we know we did everything humanly possible.
Ok—now this guy is becoming my hero—another PS
PS-2: I apologize for all the separate post but I LOVE MY DH. His greatest qualities are his thoughtfulness and consideration for my feelings.
Ok. I am done. For now. I think.
Some magic words spoken by and good deeds done by this DH:
Magic words: “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for our family.” (meaning the shots, retrieval, inconvenient “resting”, giving up stuff, etc.)
I love hearing that and he’s caught on and says it frequently. It makes me feel appreciated and also like we’re in this together. I also like that he says “our family” even though it’s just the two of us. Seriously, they’re magic words :-).
Other good things he does:
Helps look at clinic instructions to help me sort out meds
Helps mix shots
Cooks and takes care of me after ER (he learned how to make me tea)
Talks to me after appointments to debrief… they’re full of information and emotion and it’s really helpful to talk through everything and vent if necessary
Kisses me on the forehead when I feel sick and bloated and my boobs hurt from the hormones
I was told not to be jealous, but hard not to be, and this DH is serving our country amid all of this!
Well, Denny, please don’t be jealous, but I happen to be married to the best man in the world. He supports me emotionally and loves me unconditionally. He listens – really listens to how I am feeling, and he is learning that especially when I’m talking about IF, I am more looking to be heard rather than have him fix my problem. He tells me he is grateful that I share my emotions with him, even though I know my sharing must make him feel helpless and vulnerable at times. He trusts that I am making decisions that are the best for us, even if he doesn’t always understand them.
He is deployed right now but he sends me (((((hugs))))) from a distance. He works his butt off to provide for us, and he is the reason we can financially consider options like IVF. Even though he is exhausted at the end of each day, he writes to me. Every. Day. My husband conducts himself in a way that makes me want to have children with him, not just have children because “I” want children. He loves my idiosyncrasies. He laughs with me and makes sure we are making memories together. He is much more patient and forgiving of others than I am when people make thoughtless comments. Knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with him, regardless of whether we are able to have children, makes me look forward to the future.
A checklist that applies to moving from IF support to adoption support by a DH:
I have now moved onto adoption but through IF (and some applies to adoption, too)
*Just listened if I whined and complained about all the appts
*Gave me all my shots and prepared a lot of them
*Came to a lot of Dr appts (not all but certainly the important ones)
*Took great care of me during the days around retrieval and transfer
*Cut me lots of slack with my moods
*Took over my chores at the right times (like when I was tired or moody)
*Never freaked out if i was freaking out
*Reassured me he wanted to be a father with no one else but me (when I said he should just be with someone else who didn’t have my IF issues
*Kept up the 3 Ps: patience, persistence and perseverance when I wanted to give up
He’s not perfect, I wish he was less sloppy and did more chores but he has my heart, always can make me laugh, has sensitive insight to me feelings, is fun to be with and so stuff with.
And a top 5 list—if only I could get Letterman to read this one…
One bright side of IF, if I can even say that, is that it has shown me even more that I married the right person. I love him more today than on the day we were married. DH supports me every day and I am so grateful for him!
1) Making a point to hug me when I get home from work and show physical affection
2) Respecting how I feel about treatment options, including stopping treatment, even when those feelings are difficult to explain.
3) Showing an interest and commitment to our decision to adopt – I have told him how sexy this is
4) Advocating for us and our decisions to his family, even when they disagree or are insensitive
5) Being helpful and doing things around the house when I’m tired, even when it’s my “turn” and he doesn’t have to do it.
Those are my top 5, but I could come up with a lot more!
Here’s a wonderful guy who is getting it right:
My husband has been so wonderful throughout this IF journey. I know that I could never do this all with out him. He has been my rock and my best friend. I am blessed that this experience has brought us closer together, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically. My husband has been financially smart in figuring out how we could finance this entire process, for it has all been out of pocket for us. In the process, he has been fortunate enough to double his income and has even developed the momentum he needed to start his own business. He has driven me to all of my RE appointments, which are 2 hours away from us. He has held my hand through all of my ultrasounds and struggles to see my ovaries on the screen. He dries my eyes after the disappointments, pity parties, and moments of confusion and insane rage. Amazingly, he remains calm through all of the emotional trips I take him on. We talk through and analyze every new piece of info and he helps me make sense of everything. He talks me through all my shots, rubs my belly when its crampy, and promises me that these drugs are not making my butt big 🙂 isn’t he wonderful?!
The first guy I have heard of to make PMS cookies—could you send me the recipe pretty please?
My husband is overall just a wonderful support. Sounds so much like many of these other ladies’ husbands. I’ll chime in, though, that this week, on the day when AF was the worst, he said he’d cook dinner. That was a treat in and of itself. But when I went in to get my plate, he had also made me some cookies I’d recently pinned on Pinterest—PMS cookies. It was hilarious and touching. Love that man. 🙂
She couldn’t ask for more….
I couldn’t have asked for a better husband!
1) paid for all the treatments without question even though I’m the one with the IF diagnosis
2) held me when I cried and didn’t try to talk me out of my feelings
3) assured me that even if I don’t get pregnant, he’d still be there for me forever
4) done all the chores (cooking, cleaning, caring for our dogs)
5) come to all the important appointments
6) helped me sort through all the confusing meds
7) made me laugh when I’m grumpy
In short, a good supportive husband/partner will understand what his wife needs and will work toward making her happy, whatever it takes.