Would I Do It All Again?

There was a comment on the blog yesterday that asked me “if I’d do it all again”, knowing what I know now and having gone through every fertility treatment known to medical science to finally achieve success.

I feel compelled to answer the question since Lisa and I have had this discussion numerous times since our daughter was born.

My initial gut, if I’m being honest, is panic. Yes, I’ve evolved to the point where I see the end result–our daughter has brought more depth and beauty in my life than I could have imagined possible.

And that is the reason panic is my first response. Financial stress would seem to be the logical culprit at first glance. Despite all the noble efforts of Resolve and other fertility organizations, for most couples fertility treatments are an out of pocket expense.

But the real reason transcends anything financial, any thoughts of the indiginities of filling up plastic sample cups in small clinic bathrooms, donning my nurse cap to give Lisa shots again ever vigilant for any undetected life threatening bubbles in the syringe…all that stuff is manageable.

The truth is, Lisa puts every ounce of her spirit into every undertaking in her life. Her intent focus on bringing Elliana into this world was all encompassing.

As a mother, Lisa’s dedication and energy to providing Elliana with the emotional, financial and spiritual support she needs to be a well rounded, depth filled, God fearing human being is awe inspiring.

I simply don’t know how Lisa could emotionally and spiritually be two places at one time. I know I could fill the gaps being as involved as I am as a father. But Elliana adores Lisa. They are cosmically connected in a way that I think all mothers and their children are meant to be connected–the underlying primal force that drives women to go to such lengths to have a child via infertility treatments is visible every day I see them together. How would that connection be maintained amid the rigors of IVF?

Lisa hated it when Elliana was first born and, amid the chaos of an emergency C-section, I took over some of the duties of motherhood Lisa simply could not while her body was healing. But Lisa let me know in her outspoken way that she HATED it when I suggested things she might want to try as we grew into our first couple of months of parenthood. It is inevitable that Elliana would likely become dependent on me for things she counts on Lisa for right now.

So, back to the original question: would I do it all again? Yes. Will we do it again? Hmm…I guess  even when you do finally resolve your infertility with the birth of a biological child, there is always a part of you still pondering how your family will grow when you know medical assistance is a prerequisite.