“The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”
John Milton
After failing our fifth or sixth infertility cycle, losing about a dozen frozen embryos over the course of about six months, I found I could turn even the smallest glimpse of Heaven into Hell.
I let it permeate every part of my life, predicting awful outcomes in not just our infertility pursuits, but every part of my life.
It was a subtle dark spirit that I invited in, and it took an enormous amount of effort to send it away.
Once I found a way to make a Heaven of Hell, the demons dispersed.
A chemical pregnancy became a milestone that at least told me that something was trying to work.
A miscarriage was another sign that something had worked, although not as long as we’d obviously hoped it would.
Stage 4 endometriosis after our third failed IVF put Lisa in the hands of an RE who had failed to get us pregnant, but would later be commended by the director of St Barnabas in New Jersey for saving Lisa’s reproductive system when most other doctors would have just recommended a hysterectomy.
Making heaven of hell takes practice.
For me it meant the difference between living forever in a self-made hell, or fighting to find heaven in every hell we faced…with faith that some day we’d be holding heaven in our arms.
Have a blessed Sunday.