Lisa and I were talking about how painful Halloween was during our primary infertility days.
All those little costumed kids that weren’t yours lining he sidewalks as dusk hit reminded us of the beginning of the painful holiday season.
I figured the conversation would be about how relieved we are now that we were celebrating our 11th Halloween with Elliana but it turned ugly .
The sibling conversation came up.
I am supposed to be this evolved male infertility example, but according to Lisa, I am a fraud.
And I guess maybe I am.
I can’t imagine doing it all again for another child.
Yes, the thing about being in our late forties, and not exactly being in the most stable career (you’ve probably seen a news report or two about the state of the housing industry–the mortgage part in particular) contribute to my lack of enthusiasm about going down the IVF path again.
Maybe something inside of me burned out after that last IVF to NJ.
It took all the mental, spiritual and financial energy I could muster to pull together the resources for not just the first trip, but the second trip to go get our frozen embryo daughter a few months later.
Now to think about continuing to keep Elliana the center of our universe, and do that all again to bring another planet into our solar system, I just can’t see how we’d do it.
I look at our schedule right now with everything and I can’t see fitting in cross town trips to the doc, the rigid shot schedule, the ultrasounds…how in the hell would we do it?
I guess by now I should be used to these twists and turns in our lives when it comes to the topic of having children.
Maybe I should have followed our old plan on Halloween.
Lights out.
Doors locked.