I came across this Charles Swindoll quote today and have been pondering it all day:
“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.”
I find it is incredibly difficult to keep a good attitude when everything is going to hell quickly.
I suppose if you are being truly honest, the bad news of a failed cycle, or a job setback, or a bad score on a test at school makes you either pissed or depressed.
There were many times when my attitude sucked during our infertility journey.
I hated the process, the drugs, the expense, the embarrassment, the false promises, and all the energy expended on a process that we couldn’t even be sure was going to work.
My attitude changed when things were are their worst. Their most challenging.
We were supposed to go to St Barnabas for our final IVF on 9/11/2011.
Lisa’s cycle got all screwed up that month, and we were delayed a month.
As the world plunged into an attitude of fear, confusion, grief and panic, I found a certain peace.
It should have been an excuse for me to lobby against the trip to Lisa. It would have been an easy argument to say no way in hell are we going now that the world is in chaos, especially given that this is going to likely bankrupt us as we put everything on credit, with no other assets to fall back on, all for a 50/50 chance to bring a biological child into the world.
Of course it’s not like I could have ever convinced her not to go.
I just didn’t want to convince her not to.
My attitude was different. We had a vision, a focus, of a life beyond where we were. My attitude was, yes, this is an obstacle, but not one we can’t overcome.
I wasn’t about to let some invisible force of evil take our best odds of getting pregnant away from us.
I had another attitude adjustment after the fresh IVF on that fateful trip gave us a BFN.
At first I wanted to give up. I wanted to be done. And for a day, I thought Lisa and I were done too.
Then I realized I needed to change my attitude.
All our lives up to that point, Lisa and I had never stopped believing in our vision for each other.
When I attended a christening without Lisa there, I got a vision of a future of us apart.
I had to fight my way back to convince her that I would never stop trying until we saw that vision through to holding our own baby.
I had to change my attitude from one of doom and gloom and hopelessness to relentless action and faith that we would have our day.
I still believe it was me that was holding us back. My attitude of doubt, fear, anger, resentment I think kept the spirit of our soulbaby away.
I will never stop adjusting my attitude, no matter what we go through in our lives, knowing that an attitude of faith and love and hope and action has always helped us to realize our dreams.
And it always will.