All She Needs Is Me To Be Me

I think all IVF parents agonize over whether they are giving their child everything they possibly can.

I know that after Elliana was born I wanted her to have everything.

As she has gotten older I’ve realized that isn’t always a good thing.

Sometimes the pursuit of providing everything has led me to be a person different from who I really am.

The workaholic, focus on the bottom line, heavy thinking, heavy talking guy that I stare at in the mirror is not same daddy Elliana has been used to.

Tonight, I left that guy at the office.

When I got home I did something I haven’t done in years.

I sat down at the piano and started writing a song.

It was a simple lyric about how once upon a time doesn’t always turn out how you planned. How sometimes you can be turning the pages of your own life story and not even recognize the character that has become you.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Elliana watching me.

It was the same look that I remember from when we would spend hours playing princess pretend, or singing every single Wiggles song a hundred times, or doing crazy Elmo voices just to hear her laugh.

She saw fun daddy again.

Passionate daddy.

After I was done playing, she gave me the biggest bear hug I’ve gotten in a very long time.

It was as if she hadn’t seen me in a long time, and was so relieved I was back.

As I held on to that precious moment and let it soak through to the core of my soul.

At the end of the day, what she needs more than anything in the world from her daddy, is for me to be me.

 

 

 

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