A Tethered Mind Free From The Infertility Lies

I was at my office today busting through a ton of work, and didn’t realize I had downloaded a song by Mumford and Sons called “I Will Wait”.

I absolutely love the driving beat of the song, but the abstract lyrics are what really caught my heart and my ear.

Well I came home like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust which we’ve known

Will blow away with this new sun

All I could picture was those post BFN days when we were in a fog of grief and hopelessness, and sometimes the only comfort we had was just melting into each others’ arms.

Then the promise of another chance, maybe down a different path, or a different protocol, or a different stim drug, or a different RE would burn through the fog revealing the sunshine of hope.

But I’ll kneel down wait for now

And I’ll kneel down know my ground

This one resonates of prayer to me.  The belief that there is something bigger than you at work and that dropping to a knee and acknowledging at some point that you are doing all you can, even it means just praying for peace amid the storm, can be a powerful release when the whole process gets too overwhelming.

So break my step and relent

Well you forgave and I won’t forget

Know what we’ve seen and him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

I love this verse.

So often we are out of step during the process–and we have to break out of that routine, look up, and see that person that we love is still there and we are on the same side working towards the same thing.

We forgive, and are forgiven. But more importantly forgiving becomes reflexive–the emotional landmines will inevitably cause injuries, but that constant mutual forgiveness between a couple has amazing capacity to heal the deepest wounds.

We see other people who have gone through more, experienced more loss, and we are able to put our own journey into proper perspective, shaking off the sense that we are alone.

Now I’ll be bold as well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh and fix my eyes

A tethered mind freed from the lies

Bold and strong and balancing the knowledge we have in our heads with the instinct in our hearts–that describes just about every person I’ve ever met going through infertility.

We stay focused and constantly tame the pain of the process.

We tether our thoughts to the vision of a future as parents, dodging the lies that come raining down on us like ‘it will never happen,  you’re too old, your sperm are to lousy, your endometriosis is too toxic, your PCOS is too severe, your count is too low’, and on and on.

Of course the chorus sums it all up doesn’t it–it’s all about the waiting….

‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

Here are the lyrics in their entirety:

“I Will Wait”

But I’ll kneel down,
Wait for now
And I’ll kneel down,
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
Well, you forgave and I won’t forget
Know what we’ve seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess

‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I’ll kneel down,
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down,
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you